


How to Prevent Anklebiters and Live to Tell the Tale

by tatertotarmy



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-10
Updated: 2015-04-10
Packaged: 2018-03-22 04:06:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3714352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tatertotarmy/pseuds/tatertotarmy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sera goes on a quest to find birth control so her dear Inquisitor can get laid. An educational adventure on birth control in Thedas.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How to Prevent Anklebiters and Live to Tell the Tale

**Author's Note:**

  * For [joaniedark](https://archiveofourown.org/users/joaniedark/gifts).



“So, you’ve been all sniffin’ about ‘round here for a while. Why’s that?”

Cecilia Trevelyan raised an eyebrow at Sera, “I am not sure what you mean.”

“What? You’re all stuck with your nose in a book in some basement for most of all this crazy stuff, and now all of a sudden you’re all sittin’ here all the time. There something that changed?”

Cecilia shifted in her seat as she looked around the tavern, “It becomes lonesome after a while. What exactly are you trying to suggest, Sera?”

“What I’m trying to say is that you’ve been lookin’ at someone. Can’t say who. Just know it’s someone ‘round here and you’re doing nothing to take care of it,” Sera leaned back in her chair and smirked as Cecilia snapped back to attention.

“Sera…”

“What? It’s pretty obvious. So who is it? If it’s that bard, then she’s still singing that weird song about me. Weird, innit? Still hasn’t come over here. How long has it been?”

“It is not the bard, Sera.”

“Then who? And why are you just staring? I heard about you and that lady back at Haven. That definitely was an interesting – ”

“Could you please not mention that at the moment,” Cecilia sighed, composing herself as she ran a finger through a strand of golden hair. How she could look so proper in the middle of a tavern, Sera would never know. Must be a Circle thing.

“I’m just saying, why aren’t you going for whoever you’ve got your eye on?” Sera asked, withholding her careful observations. Within the week, she would pinpoint just who their dear Inquisitor had her eyes on regardless of what Cecilia confessed. Her bets were on one of those Chargers. Probably Dalish.

“Unfortunately…this instance isn’t as simple as my time spent with women,” Cecilia admitted, her voice quieting to barely be heard over the cacophony of the tavern. 

“What? How so? Can’t be all that hard, can it?”

“Actually it is. I would rather not pursue a male if I could possibly have a child.”

Sera raised an eyebrow, “Huh. You actually think those things through?” So it wasn’t Dalish. There went a few silvers to Varric. The dwarf swore it was Blackwall, but Sera had only seen Cecilia go after women. Huh. Learn something new every day. 

“Well…unfortunately, I must,” Cecilia lowered her eyes to her drink.

“I thought that you could just put a curse on your vagina. You know, weird magic stuff.”

A small smile graced Cecilia’s lips, “In a way, you’re right. There is a spell that people used in the Circle. However, it’s most effective when used with some concentration. It is difficult to hold…”

“Concentration just defeats the whole purpose! How are you supposed to enjoy it if you’re too busy swatting away offspring?” 

“Exactly,” Cecilia answered, “Which is why I am not going after him.”

“Huh. You know, things are easier when you just stick with boobs.”

“I do not have your luck, Sera.”

“Maybe you could use some of it,” Sera smirked and jumped up from her seat, “And you’re in luck! I’m kinda curious, and if it helps our Quizzy get a tumble with a beard, then I might as well help you out!”

“Sera!” Cecilia snapped harshly, her ears growing red.

“Heh! The dwarf was right!” Sera yelled triumphantly as she bounded for the door, leaving the Inquisitor alone with a red face and thoughts of _who else_ knew of her secret.

 

“Could you please tell me again why you want to know how to prevent pregnancy?” Dorian asked, “I’m sure you’re well aware of my preferences as well as I am of yours.” He was sitting right in his usual chair in the library, irritably holding his book down in his lap. Sera didn’t exactly care, he had plenty of time to read. This was important.

“Because I just do,” Sera retorted.

“Very well. I’m no expert in the matter, as you can imagine. However, I have heard of a spell that can – ”

“Already heard about the cursed vagina.”

“And you need to know more?”

“It’s research.”

“Right…” Dorian sighed, “There is another method that some of the lower classes used a special potion. I don’t remember what was in it, much less if it was actually effective in lowering birth rates. I certainly didn’t see any less children running around.”

“I don’t do potions.”

“I remember a certain mage who’s quite skilled at potion making.”

“Not talking to her.”

“Well, then, that’s all I have. Why you ask me this and then refuse a clue is a mystery.”

“Thanks a lot, mustache!”

Dorian gave her a certain look before looking back in his book. 

 

“You ever hear about condoms? They’re a pretty new thing, but they were starting to get popular in the Hinderlands.”

Scout Harding was frank, completely casual about the topic as if it were day-to-day conversation. It was as if she didn’t care who overheard, or just thought that it was a normal thing to say. Sera admitted that she felt a little unsettled with how they were standing right in the middle of Skyhold. She was brash when it came to friends and their dear Inquisitor, but talking about those things in front of the kids running around the castle left her a little uncomfortable.

“What’s that?” Sera asked, quieter than her usual voice as some kids ran by them. Scout Harding gave her a look that screamed “they-can’t-actually-be-listening” and “why-do-you-even-care-Sera?” Excuse the elf for thinking of the children. Sera didn’t think of that shit until she was older, and so she didn’t think it needed to be brought up around kids.

“Right…it’s made of some animal skin, but really thin. You wrap it around the…” Scout Harding looked at a kid that was wandering around, “Well, I’m sure you know. Evidentially it works out well.”

“Speaking from experience?” Sera asked, grinning and raising her eyebrows.

“Do you want to know?”

“Come on…it’s for a friend. I need to know if it works.”

“Right…how about we talk over a few drinks?”

“You’re payin’, right?”

“Of course.”

 

One hangover and a few trips to the potions master later, Sera practically knocked down the door to the Inquisitor’s room, not bothering to call out her name or notify her.

“What is it?” Cecilia called from above, some panic breaking through her monotone.

“I got your stuff for your stuff!” Sera called out, bounding up the steps to see Cecilia lazily sitting up in her bed. It was regal, big, and just a little _too_ empty for Sera’s liking. As Cecilia rubbed her eyes, Sera plopped the devices on the bed. A few experimental condoms that Sera made from smuggled animal skin from the requisitions and a few potions that Sera had bribed from the potion’s master. No way would she trust Vivienne with something as important as this. Sitting in the center of the pile was a large bottle of strong liquor that the Iron Bull recommended. He had said something about ‘liquid courage for the Inquisitor’ after he noticed her poking around.

“And…what exactly is all this?” Cecilia asked, eyes lazily flowing from one object to another.

“You said you weren’t gonna go for it if you didn’t have the stuff, and I have the stuff. Now, you just need to talk to beardy.”

“Wait…this is all about Blackwall? Sera, you really did not have to,” Cecilia spoke, “What even are these?”

“Wait, I’ll tell you. Don’t need you gettin’ all confused during it. Brought a banana for these floppy things!” Sera produced the banana from her bag and smiled widely.

“You are not going to let me simply go at my own pace, are you?”

“You’ve gone at your pace for too long. If you don’t act now, then you’ll be staring forever! Come on, help me put this on the banana. It’ll be practice.”

Cecilia’s lips curved upward, “Right. How about you show me first?”

Sera grinned as she picked up the condom. No matter how this went over, Sera would be shoving Cecilia into Blackwall by the end of the day.


End file.
